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Wednesday, January 15
I don’t want to do this anymore. I think it’s best if we stop trying to be friends. I don’t dislike you, in fact I’ve always liked you more than you’ve liked me. But every time I see you, I’m reminded of how awful you made me feel, and then I feel awful all over again. You hurt me a lot, and I know you don’t think it’s a big deal, which makes me feel worse about it.
I could have gotten over it. People make mistakes. But you never offered me any explanation for what you did, and even worse, you never tried to make it up to me, never tried to fix the situation or make me feel better. And that’s why I have continued to feel like shit every time I deal with you, even after all this time. I have kept asking myself what happened, what went wrong, why did he do this? Was it me? Was it because I’m just not a good friend, not a worthy enough human being? I actually thought those things. I thought it was something wrong with me.
I’ve tried to be friends with you anyway. I thought maybe you’d redeem yourself and start treating me like a friend again. But that hasn’t worked. You haven’t treated me like a friend. I don’t hear from you for weeks. During that time, I start to feel better. I start to put you behind me. But then I see you again, and I think, maybe this is it. Maybe he’s decided to make it up to me. Maybe he actually does think I’m an OK person. But it never happens. I feel good about it for a day or two, but it never lasts, because you never do anything that even acknowledges that you’ve hurt me, let alone make up for it. Probably because you think I’m OK and you don’t realize I’m still hurt.
Well, I am. And every time I come close to telling you that, you say I think too much. That’s your favorite response whenever I tell you how I feel. You’re probably thinking that right now. I used to wonder if maybe you were right. But you know what, you’re not right, and it’s incredibly insensitive and rude to say something like that to someone who has to guts to be open with you. You might as well say “Your feelings are not important.” I don’t think too much, and neither does anyone else you would say that to. There may be people who truly overthink things, but you are no judge of that.
I’ve come to my senses. I’ve realized that you are never going to make this up to me, because you don’t care. I’ve also realized that this shouldn’t bother me. I deserve much more than you will ever give me, and that’s not my problem. It’s your problem. You just want to be able to do whatever you want and not have to deal with the consequences, such as hurting people. It doesn’t work that way. If you ever want to have a healthy, successful relationship with anyone, especially with girls, you will have to be sensitive to how they feel and realize that everything you do affects that. I am normal, I’m not even high-maintenance. Any real girlfriend you have will be like this. If they aren’t, either you don’t know them well enough or she has issues.
You told me once that you admired Thomas’s “ability” to get girls. I think his behavior influences you because you have no idea how to deal with girls yourself. It’s fine that you don’t know, but it is very very bad that you think Thomas does. Let me tell you something about Thomas: he may “get” girls (at least that’s what he tells you). But these girls’ self-esteems are so low they think that the way Thomas treats them is the way they deserve to be treated, and that he is the best they can get. He may love his girlfriends, but that doesn’t mean he respects them or treats them right. Thomas has such low self-esteem that he uses these girls to make him feel better himself. He has a lot of big issues to deal with, and I sincerely hope he can get through them before he becomes a menace to society. Cause that’s what’s going to happen if he doesn’t get himself together. As he gets older, girls his age will become more mature and more confident and they won’t take the shit he gives them. He will keep dating young insecure college girls even as he turns 27, 28, 29. Then, when people start to be repulsed by the fact that he can’t get a girl his own age, he will become desperate and start feeling powerless. That’s when he will start raping people. Or maybe he actually will find a girl who will marry him. I feel very sorry for this girl, because most likely he will beat and rape her. Rape and domestic abuse are the result of the issues Thomas has with feeling inferior. I’m not the only one who senses his weakness, even his fraternity brothers do. That’s why they tease him.
I don’t think you are weak. I think you don’t know enough about girls to realize that Thomas is not a good role model. I don’t consider your inexperience a weakness, I actually think it’s endearing. And you would be the most eligible bachelor in Chattanooga if you had the right guidance. Find a girl, an older girl, a confident girl, to learn from. Trust me, she will not say no or laugh in your face.
Wait, this isn’t about you, it’s about me. Believe it or not, it’s hard for me to tell you I don’t want to be friends. Because I do care about you. I’m just not going to let myself be treated like this anymore. I deserve an explanation and I deserve an effort on your part to make things right. That doesn’t mean hanging out everyday or even being friends with me at all. It just means explaining yourself and letting me know exactly what you want, so I don’t have to wonder why you do things. It just means listening to me without criticizing what I’m saying. It just means doing anything at all to make me feel better. I deserve at least that much from you, and you’ve never done it. I’m not going to sit around hoping you will anymore.
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